Have you ever doubted that there is God? I have. I hope that after reading this statement I can still get out of the house without being showered by rotten tomatoes. Remember the Beatles saying something like "We are bigger than Jesus"? Why would they say something like that? Because they're stupid? I don't think so. I just think that they were in the moment of their life when they realize that He doesn't exist because they can't feel his presence because of their fame. I've been through that and this might sound preposterous. I guess that most of us will eventually stumble upon the truth of life. So let me tell you about my story.
Just Before September 6, 2003 I can say that I am 90% happy about my life. I'm rich with friends, I do good in school, I'm becoming a little popular in my school because of my talent in dancing. My love for dancing is like a love for my life. It makes me feel alive. And of course I love music as much as I love dancing. I believe that one is essential with the other. And so I learned how to play the piano and drums. And I'm even planning to have lessons in guitar and violin. Aside from these, my family doesn't have much problem in money. I can get around 80% of what I want. I was only 15 then and I've got loads of suitors. But I'm young and quite an experience digger. And much as possible I want to experience a lot of things. I even wanted to be a part of a musical theater play. I'm not an excellent singer but I can sing well enough. And I'm good in acting to. As you can see I love performing arts and I'm quite busy with my life. And all these things make me happy.
In a snap of God's fingers. It was all gone. In the morning of September 7, 2003 I was rushed in a hospital because of brain stroke. I almost died of hemorrhage in my brain. And when I woke up. I was already paralyzed. I couldn't move my left part of the body. I'm so weak. I couldn't walk, my head is pounding, I couldn't dance anymore, I can never play piano and drums again, I'm stuck in the ICU. My parents had the biggest problem in money because of me. They have to sell our van just to pay our debts in the hospital. I was in the hospital for almost a month. Imagine how much money we needed. They wanted me to stop from going to school for a until such time that I can walk again. But I didn't want to stop from going to school. Making me stop from going to school is like taking away a part of my life.
I cried so hard. That night I prayed to God "Lord please give me the strength to walk again, make me move my left leg again. Please. I'll come back to school when I'm able to use the cane." The next morning, my therapist was surprised that I was able to move my left leg. It was a miracle. Then I learned to walk again. I went back to school but I failed my 2 subjects. This is the first time I had a failing grade. In order to pass my junior year, I had to struggle for my grades. I missed a lot of days in school. And while working extra hard for my grades I had to attend my therapy sessions. Imagine me so weak, my left hand is stiff, couldn't even use it and my left feet is struggling to maintain balance.
I asked Him what is taking him so long to make me come back to my normal state.I cried again. I cried for days, weeks and months. I was so stressed. My Stress has turned into distress and depression. Then another problem came when my I started losing my hair. I had an alopecia. I think that I'm slowly decaying. and so I started asking, where is God? is he busy watching over Iraq or he doesn't really exist. If he really existed he wouldn't let these things happen to me. The God that I knew will not let His child suffer. I'm only 15, why do I have this kind of problems? I cried everyday, I even thought of ending my life.
I was so mad at him. I was even cursing God. I lost my faith. I'm mad about everything. I was convince that there is no God.But as I struggle for my survival, Little by little I was learning to live with my new life. I passed my Junior year, In my senior year I fell in love. I was happy again. Then I suddenly realized that why do I whine so much? I'm still very lucky despite of what happened to me. How many people survive brain stroke? My life was extended for 5 years. And in this 5 years I guess I have done a lot. I've read so many books, I've watch so many movies, I met so many people, I laughed, cried, shouted for joy for a thousand times, ate so many delicious foods, fell in love, learned million things about life, prove myself to everyone that I can reach for my dreams and there's a lot out there that I haven't done. And their on my list. I have evolved into a stronger person, I'm about to graduate, my dreams are bigger and my life is getting better. I found God again. When I thought that he was busy watching over Iraq, I didn't realized that he was behind me. pushing me through my limits. People were awed about my will to do things. Now I know why I was able to survive life.
I think that God has shifted my path to the right one because I was being lead to the wrong one. If I didn't got sick maybe I was in a Nursing Course, then maybe I will regret that I was there. Maybe I'm a pregnant little teenager If I didn't got sick because of the influence of my fickle friends. I realize that true friends will stick to you, no matter how much problems you've got and fickle ones will just ignore you when you have nothing to do with them. I'm a better person now. I have discovered another talent I used to ignore before. I enjoy writing so much.My Family is happy settled in a new home. We are complete. Its my grandma's birthday today and I'm so happy that my grandparents are still alive.
Even though I couldn't dance and perform on stage and play musical instruments anymore, I still feel very lucky. Maybe Jesus Christ talked to me when I was about to die and I begged him to ask the father to extend my life in exchange of anything that's why I'm still here. I will never forget the piercing light I saw in my dying moment. I wasn't sure if it was the sun. All I know is that I have cheated death once, and so everyday is now a gift.
(Full surrender requires obeying God, humbling yourself before Him and acknowledging His authority in your life. So whatever happens to you, either good or bad, surrender as you say "It is the Lord. Let Him do what seems good to Him. Samuel 3:18 "
I am nothing without Christ.
-Krizzy Gayle Martinez
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This is my firts post in blogger in my glimpse of faith blog.
Date: Wednesday. December 23, 2008
I'm so sad..